cricket quiz

Q. Why is this man still on the Indian cricket team?

A. Because every morning he wakes up, takes his bag of Cherry Blossom Shoe Wax and buff cloth, heads over to Sachin Tendulkar's house, and proceeds to shine his balls for the next two hours.

FUCKING WIDE-THROWING LOSER!

what's in your spam?

over 80% of the spam in my inbox is telling me to "get ViAGara" or "FIx thAt EreCctIon"



I think these emails are sent by pharma companies that sell anti-depression medication. I'd be happier if I had a good mix of porn, "viagra mail" and credit history fixers in my spam.

Return of the Gyaan.......

tuesday night, The Sentinel, dad and I. Exactly 3 seconds into the movie....."y'know, the secret service agents aren't grouped with the FBI or CIA. They fall under the treasury dept."

hehehe.....some things will never change.

you may say I'm a dreamer........

.....but I'm not the only one.

I'm turning into a workaholic.......15 hour days since the last couple of months. I'm totally stressed out, but loving it. So what drives people to work hard and become successful?

1. Money.......a very powerful and at the same time a completely lame reason. I mean, with enough effort and focus it's going to come to you in any case.

2. Need for Speed.......this is not a bad reason actually. The adrenaline rush that success generates is quite unmatched. Can also take you out if you let it go to your head.

3. Point to Prove..........generally applicable to people tired of hearing "hey loser!" These people more often than not end up being the most successful of the lot.

It could be any one of the above, or a combination of the lot, or even some altogether different/personal reasonMy reason is this super-powerful urge to "building a community"

I have this dream of creating a company that provides livelihood to an entire community of people.......like a village. The company is at the heart of this campus. Hospitals, schools, a bank....all of it. My own Jamshedpur. That's right, I'll have to take my company public if I'm going to achieve any of this. I'm giving myself six years.

It shall be done.

click

found this link hidden away in my bookmarks:

Don't Click It

people really think up cool stuff.....

funny lot, these english......

I mentioned "dry humour" in my previous post......the British naturally have a flair for this type of humour. In fact, British humour brings out a response that is also, um, British: the chuckle.

Case 1:

A classic example of this particular brand of humour is that motoring maniac of television, Jeremy Clarkson. I was reading this article recently where he described the Suzuki Wagon R as something you ought to avoid like "you'd avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
Apart from Top Gear, Clarkson also has this show called "Jeremy Claskson Meets the Neighbours" where he drives across Europe in his Jag and points out the hilarious eccentricities of the Euro way of life through his unique Britsh-tinted point-of-view. Whether he's describing the French as a bunch of "onion selling ne'er-do-wells" and finding out why THEY'RE so smug, or calling German motorists "donkey killers," he's so entertaining that I'm actually sad everytime the show ends. The man dedicated a whole episode to finding out if the Germans have a sense of humour. They don't, apparently.

Case 2:

Master of gastronomic spelunking, Keith Floyd. He's doing this "Floyd uncorked" thing where he travels through wine country (again, mostly Europa) de-mystifying the whole grape to bottle process as well as explaining to us less fortunate bastards what to look for in this wine or that one.
Now he occasionally invites this wine expert "JD" on the show and then proceeds to tear the seriousness of the business to shreds with the sharpest humour possible, which even poor JD, who's at the receiving end half the time, can't help laughing at.

I'm tellin ya, the british have been doing humour for so long they're much better at it than the yanks.
Chris Rock can kiss my ass.

Khosla ka Kheema

Saw "Khosla ka Ghosla" last night....heheh.....funny title...hehahahahh...

Someone finally went and made one of those "everyday life" social comedies. I'm talking about the "Katha" types where your average guy is thrown to the wolves played by the govt. officials, the cops and the land mafia. Oh man I laughed my chaddees off! I love the way Dilliwalas talk.....that alone made it worth watching. There's no slapstick, no over-the-top crap going on. Just plain old dry humour.....the kind that happens without anyone saying or doing much. Smart movie.

On to the kheema.....

I had the most amazing kheema ever a couple of weeks back, and got the recipe from the person that made it. However, mine turned out a little sweet. I'm thinking it was because I didn't sautee the onions enough. Anyway, so I learnt the hard way that kheema is the easiest meat dish to prepare, but the hardest to get just right. Then my sister enlightened me to the fact that you can make kheema in a bunch of different ways.

So guys, if you have a kheema recipe or any meat recipe for that matter, type it up and post it in the comments section. I've re-discovered the joys of the kitchen. Wish we had Food TV in India.......Bobby Flay, Jamie Oliver, Emeril......geniuses! Sanjeev Kapoor is a jackass.

another 168 hours

this week......

- Malegoan mimiced big brother Mumbai and sadly, did a great job of it
- the crocodile hunter yelled his last "crickey!" and crocs everywhere shed real tears
- Sharapova won her second grand slam title and proved again that she's not Kournikova
- Navratilova won her 59th grand slam title and proved again that she's from planet Krypton
- the Indian hockey team crapped it's pants under pressure. Again. And again. And almost.....
- Boatloads of taxpayer money wasted on endless debates about vande mataram

ctrl-c, ctrl-v

I was talking to someone today about that Harvard girl who got pulled up for plagiarism recently. I had a close shave plagiarism in college. I was taking this summer class on Italian cinema. It basically involved watching Italian classics in the afternoon and then discussing it and finally presenting a paper on your analysis. Basically we watched soft porn and then wrote about it....hehe

Now the class was taught by a really cool professor, Mario Aste. I'd initially signed up for the class for the credits - this was a guaranteed A and three credits in the basket, but I really started to enjoy the class. No, besides the sex scenes. And I don't usually have a problem with papers and the like. Then one saturday morning....

(phone rings)

keith: "dude, wake up!"

me: "uhh..."

k: "big trouble....reach Aste's office in 15 mins!"

me: "uhh.....huh?"

k: "plagiarism. nishith, you and me."

me: "???"


10 mins later.....

me: "what the hell happened??

nishith: "aste's giving us an F for copying from each other's papers."

me: "but it was you fuckers who looked at my paper and copied from it! My stuff's all original!"

n: "yeah, you're getting screwed anyway. he doesn't care who copied from whom. he's failing everyone who has similar stuff."

It took 30 mins worth of groveling and pleading before he let us off. And we had to rewrite the damn paper. Actually only I had to rewrite it......the other two were writing it for the first time....

moral: don't have dumbasses for friends.

an unfinished adventure

Steve Irwin is dead. One of the few people in the world I actually admired, not for his heroics on his show but for the message he was passing on to the millions who watched him day in and day out on Animal Planet. The last time I felt this sadness for a total stranger's death was when George Harrison passed.

I'm at a loss for words here.

formula for excellent evenings

proof that the best things in life are also the simplest......

1. squeeze 1 fresh lime into a glass
2. pour in a large measure of Bacardi Limon
3. break ice into small pieces and fill half the glass
4. top up glass with soda
5. toast and drink away

repeat steps 1 through 5 until wasted and happy.

brain wide shut

I've become a freaking insomniac. Or maybe I was a closet insomniac and finally decided to come out. So yeah, I've been coming home from work at wierd hours this past week. I'm exhausted beyond belief and too tired to even have dinner....and then I can't sleep till five in the morning. Only litres and litres of chai can get me through the next day. And oddly, when I do fall into sleep, it's with the help of Jim Carrey. I rented the "Eternal Sunshine...." DVD last week, and I've fallen asleep thrice after watching about 15 mins worth. Sure it's a critically acclaimed movie and all, but MAN the dude is dead boring when he stops making the wierd faces!! I'm sorry, watching a loser getting his brain dy-cleaned is just not much fun to watch at three a.m.

Meanwhile I've been getting in touch with old friends. Yeah, that time of the year when I start remembering the good times that were indulged in while at college. I spent 15 mins on the phone with an old friend in the US leafing through the memories. It's like drinking wine. The longer you wait before talking about it, the fonder the memory becomes. Hah! All that sentimental shite!!

But there are some traditions in the US which I liked more. Like friends taking you out and getting you drunk on your birthday is a hell of a lot of fun than having to treat everyone! We should do that here in India instead of the bloody "happy birthday! where's my treat?" thing that goes on. Then there was the barbecue where everyone hung around a grill and drank beer and talked about all kinds of crap. Here we have the kabab specialist making tikkas while people hang around and talk crap. That bonding element kinda goes missing when you throw in a dude walking around with a tray full of kakori kababs.

Hmmm.......all that food talk is doing things to my tastebuds. Hang on.

Okay, took care of the salivating issue. So yeah, must get in touch with my other carnivore brethren and dig into some mutton chops one of these days. I should write about food more frequently. Think I will.

road trippin'

Saw this movie yesterday "The Motorcycle Diaries." It's the story of the early years of Ernesto "Che" Guevara (that's right, the revolutionary guy with the beret) and his buddy Alberto as they journey across Latin America. It's set in the 50s when everything was beautiful and disease-free and wine, song and women flowed freely (in that order). I don't have too much knowledge about Che except that he was a leader in the Cuban revolution in the sixties and a thorn in Uncle Sam's ass. But anyone who feels strongly about something but is trying to find a catalyst to drive them into action will appreciate the idea behind the movie.

My desire to visit South America is now many times more intense after watching those two dudes travelling through the mists of Chile, the snowy peaks of Peru, on through the Machu Picchu ruins and ending with a raft ride down the Amazon. I've taken a few trips through the motherland in the last few years with my borderline Jekyll/Hyde amigo Rahul, and there's really nothing like summiting a peak or sharing a meal with total strangers in the middle of nowhere. You feel like shit and want to drop dead from exhaustion but you'd do it a hundred times given the opportunity. I'm not talking the WWF-nursing-you-all-the-way kind of treks, mind you. This is different.

We were the only four people in about a 50 sq km area. Photograph courtesy self-timer.

Road trips are different from all other kinds of travels in the sense that your pace can be adjusted to match the local pace of life. Your day begins with the locals as you grab your lota/toilet paper and head off behind a boulder to take care of the original "download". Then after a cup of the local brew you're off to explore and experience the place. And so it goes on for many days. What a life!

Some movies really manage to give the viewer a real slice of the locales. Lord of the Rings was one such movie, this is another one. Watch it and you'll understand what I'm talking about. I bought the DVD today......a great addition to any collection. Oh, soundtrack's pretty good too!

Independence day special

What's your one favourite moment in Indian cinema?

I realised which one was my favourite a few days ago while watching doordarshan (yeah so I watch DD sometimes even when there's no match on.....big deal). Shockingly, it has Shahrukh Khan in it. Now I really dislike the guy and his frikkin stammering, but he doesn't say a word in this scene. The scene is from Swades, and if you've ever lived abroad you'll like this movie for sure. I'm talking about the part where Mohan is returning to the village from some trip and his train stops at a station. This kid selling water comes running up and asks him to buy a glass for 25 paise.

I feel anger, frustration, helplessness and an extreme desire to do something about the state of the country every single time I watch it. I think some amount of community service should be mandatory for everyone in this country......like you have to serve in the armed forces in Israel, Switzerland etc. for a couple of years or so.

Sanitation, education, health, welfare.......take my word for it, the government will NEVER be able to do it all. Either we come to terms with it and do it ourselves or we can continue to wait for Uncle Ram to come around and do it for us and enjoy the ignorance and filth in the meantime.

I think we would have been better off under British rule.....look at Hong Kong today.

I know, I'm leaking frustration.

Oye Billo chaman!

Saw Omkara last night, late show as usual. I'm amazed by the fact that people can take a story written many centuries ago and spin it into something that people in present times can understand. I loved Maqbool (also by the same director) based on Macbeth and this one is equally sharp. I drove through Uttar Pradesh last year and was able to experience first-hand the anarchy prevalent there.

I remember stopping at this dhaba one afternoon, somewhere between Kanpur and Lucknow. I was sitting at a table sipping chai when three or four jeeps bearing the Samajwadi Party flags drove up and about 20 odd dudes got out. Half of them were carrying rifles and they wore the standard kurta/jeans attire complete with the "gamcha",tilak and stubble. Then one guy, probably the boss, started talking on his cellphone. "Haan, hum pehelwan ko bol diye hain....agar nahi utha to uthva lenge....." Trust me, you do not want to be caught listening in on that conversation. I'd be dunked in my chai like a glucose biscuit. As expected they left without paying. I used to complain that things in Gujarat aren't good enough until I went to U.P. and Bihar. Take your average Delhi taxi driver and multiply him by 100 million. That's the cow-belt for you my friends.

Coming back to the movie, I'm really liking Shakespeare's dark side. Far better than the comedies. And when you bring back Iago as Langda Tyagi, man, what can I say! Superb! I love sinister characters......edgy, troubled, brilliant in a sick way. I haven''t read too much Shakespeare and I probably won't get around to doing so anytime soon, unless somebody re-writes it in more contemporary prose. Like I've just started reading the first book of Ashok Banker's version of the Ramayana....it's called The Prince of Ayodhya. Good stuff so far.

Non-stop rain here for 48 hours. Time to dust off the old "The End Is Near" sign. I've noticed rain is a regular topic in my posts. Maybe I'm British. The British did hang out in Saurashtra quite a bit you know. What the fuck am I typing???? Where's my chai?!?!

???????

O-kay. I found that I could access my blog about 15 minutes after I added the previous post. Wierd man. Oh well, at least I'm un-gagged and free to rant again...hehe.

JAI HIND! <-- feeble attempt to negate the possible consequence of recent outburst

"..............................."

That's right my friends, i've been gagged, by no less an entity than the Government of India! As of right now, my blog cannot be viewed by anyone from India or China (though I doubt the Chinese are lining up to read all this anyway........actually, neither is anyone in India) thanks to the govt's paranoia that blogs can be used to dissipate sensitive information and incite violence between communities.

BOMB, TERRORIST, AL QAEDA, OSAMA, DAWOOD, LASHKAR, RDX, LTTE, NAXALITE, ASSASINATE, ATTACK, BUSH, MASSAGE, MORON, PARLIAMENT, GRENADE, KILL

There, I said it.

Now I'll wait for the CBI, RAW, FBI, CIA and all the other acronymous agencies to come get me.

Note to Mr. Dayanidhi Maran, Union Minister, Ministry of Communications and Information Technology, Government of India: Have you heard of a little something called email?

I knew we were trying to be like China but didn't think this is how it would happen. What's next, public stoning?

Tell everyone you know in India that they can still browse blogs by going to http://anonymouse.org/anonwww.html

Score so far:

Citizens 0
Stupid Politicians 1

168 hours

In the last one week.......

- Zidane turned into a bull and saw red (card), and consequently
- French bread was pounded by pasta
- Israel lost it and bombed everyone and their mother
- Mumbai took another one on the chin, and moved on to the next round
- ISRO screwed up a satellite launch (no pay-per-view for our lunghi-clad brethren for another year)
- I got engaged

global warning 2

Apparently mother nature didn't think my last post on mankind's habits was worded strongly enough. My warehouse got flooded today with the first big downpour of the season. Ankle-deep water. Thankfully I have a good team there so no real harm done. I get the point.

The roof first started leaking the first time it rained, like three weeks back. I told my landlord about it and he got some people to fix the overhead drainage. Now the fuckers didn't do a proper job and now my warehouse is a freaking mess. Nobody takes their work seriously here.

I often rant about how our government has some totally screwed-up policies. No different at the municipal level. I saw the sanitation guys trying to clean this man-made lake in the middle of the city, ONE WEEK before the monsoon rains arrived. What the fuck were you doing all year??? Is public memory so short that they don't remember the apocalyptic rains that hammered us and bitch-slapped the city to a standstill????? Man you guys are asking for it!

And then there are the dudes that dig up our roads all the time. They don't start working till 9.30 am, when the entire city is on the roads trying to get to wherever it is they're trying to get to. And then they'll take 20 breaks in between where they stick a fucking twig into the debris to "warn" people that there's a goddamn 10-foot deep crater in the middle of the road. I mean, is our governments' sole aim to frustrate its citizenry to the point where they turn into rude, inconsiderate, crap-mouthed lunatics??? Why can't the road diggers do their digging at night??? There's no traffic, it's more peaceful, people aren't swearing at them, and it's safer because they don't have to worry about some scooting family with 17 kids sandwiched between them driving into the hole they're working in.

But no, they won't do it. Because that's the work ethic we've built our lives around. I see this selfish "I don't care about you cuz I'm the fucking king of my world" attitude and it makes my blood boil. I have serious road rage and will try to run down anyone who tries to cut in front of me as if he owns the road. One of these days I'm going to get the fucker. That's if I don't die of cardiac arrest first.

Yeah, so I guess it'll take one of those monster floods to clean this world of it's scum. The world is truly round.

global warning

Was shaken awake by lightning and thunder last night. I sleep with my window open so found myself drenched and cooler by a few degrees. Then I went out to the balcony and sat there watching the biggest freaking thunderstorm I've ever seen. Saw lightning hit an antenna 3-4 buildings away.....even felt a draft of warm air immediately afterwards. As I watched I started wondering (I usually start wondering about the really big issues after indulging in loud drinking sessions, as was the case last night), there's mother nature, pissed as hell with our incessant pillaging of her resources, telling me, "you're screwed, dude." I'm tellin ya, watching a thunderstorm is a humbling experience.

Now I have immense respect for nature and go to lengths to ensure I don't add to or remove from the environment wherever I am. I do occasionally release a small amount of methane (I think it's methane) into the atmosphere, but other than that I'm fairly eco-friendly. Hell, David Attenborough is one of my favourite people! So the point I'm trying to make is, why are people here so casual when it comes to not fucking their surroundings up? I mean, do the people that dump garbage outside their house really think it's less disgusting to have it sitting right outside their entrance than it is inside their house?? And then there's the freakball neighbour who'll go a step further and burn his garbage + lawn mowings outside MY house. That's right, pollute the air, asphyxiate the neighbours, and then allow the burnt crap to spead all over the place!

Clogged sewers, dirty streets, destroyed foliage......you cannot file those under "Progress" my friend. They go in the "S" section, in the file marked "Suicide"......

bored games

I'm scouting for ideas today.

Do you have or know of any kids' craft activities that you'd like to see in stores in India? Anything; stuff that you presently make by hand or even those handicraft-ish wooden items that could use a makeover. Even board games that you think might do really well. Send me your thoughts. I'm doing big time product range upgradation at work........by the way, you know what I do right?

In an unrelated incident, I'm sure you must have heard of the great Bappi da (for the unfortunate few who don't know who he is, go here) composing a song for the Football World Cup (ah....Bongs, music and football.....one of the great troikas!). I got to thinking about how much this one guy has influenced the music scene. He started the disco wave in India 20 years ago, and some of us will never admit it, but we loved it at the time (I still love it, but in a different way now...hehe). Then a couple of years ago he sued Dr. Dre for spinning one of his old numbers into a huge hit. Think about it, not only does he have black people swaying to his music, he's influenced the way they dress as well......

Exhibit A: Bappi vs. Nelly

Notice the chains, the rings, the athletic clothing. It's all there dawg! (That's not a quadruple chin on Bappi's face my friend....those are his muscular vocal chords developed over 26 years of singing "I em ay dis-sco daencer." Nelly-boy still has some singing to do before he can reach the stellar heights that Bappi has scaled.
Bappi da, I salute you!

how to spend lunch hour - option 1

I'm a huge fan of Escape the room games. Thirty minutes of brain-zapping after lunch everyday. A few days back I ran into this game that claims to be the hardest puzzle on the internet. "Hah!" I thought....."Over a trillion pages online....these guys are talking out of their ass!" Then I started solving it.......three days later I'm on level 11. There are 139 levels in the game. I've been stuck on level 11 for two days. Now I widely claim to be the smartest guy in a 100 meter radius, and I know I'm not.....pissing people off with my know-it-all talk is how I get my kicks...heheh. But this is one difficult sonofabitch, and it keeps getting tougher. I must be over-heating atleast a half-dozen Google servers with my googling. Go on, try it out and then tell me how far you got. Just don't blame me if you get jacked for spending all day staring at the same page. Addictive shit.

once a parent......

Caught the late show of MI:3 with dad. Monday night, English movie, full theatre...what is this city coming to?? heheh.....anyway, so we're watching and there's this scene where Tom Cruise injects this girl with adrenaline inside a bad-guy infested building.....real edge-of-the-seat moment. And dad turns to me and goes, "a-d-r-e-n-a-l-i-n-e.......it's to keep her from fainting." My sister trying to explain that to me would probably get a "Really??????" and Aditi would be met with a "No shit Sherlock!" but with dad it was just really amusing! My father still feels he should pass along the occasional bit of knowledge to his offspring....after all we're the "MTV generation." He's a bit like Jim's dad from American Pie, full of advice that I can't bear to absorb......oh man! And there are his occasional R-rated jokes that I have to laugh at (even if I've heard them before)......yeah, we're talking Desi Pie here my friends. With pickle.

By the way, saw X-Men III recently....I like superhero movies....dial M for mutants, maniacs, mystery. Clark Kent returns to theatres this month......faster than a speeding bullet!

Speaking of movies....I've seen some good stuff since I got my DVD library membership renewed. Dirty, Four Brothers, Two for the Money, Ice Harvest......John Cusack is one excellent mofo!

This blog will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

aromatherapy

I've just discovered the joy of brewing your own coffee. I hijacked my dad's Rowenta coffee maker, which is kinda like the Volvo of coffee-makers.....apparently lasts through generations) and got Aditi to bring back hazelnut coffee from her trip to the US. There's something about that fresh hazelnut aroma that does it for me. My sense of smell is more important to me than any of the other senses. Every smell triggers a memory, good or bad. Fresh bread, post-rain fragrances, Irish Spring soap (if you haven't tried it, I suggest you ask someone living in the US to bring you a bar......you'll never touch another brand again), tequila (makes me retch, thanks to a couple of crazy binges resulting in temporary blindness).......new car smell, freshly ground spices......endless.

The day I go over the 100 thousand $ mark I'm going to buy myself the 7-series of espresso machines. Check out this bad boy.......

I'll putt-putt along on my Rowenta till then. Fellow coffee connoisseurs welcome.

football fever

Saw a funny sight on my way to work today......well, maybe not too funny but definitely ironic. Saw this cycle rickshaw guy on the road wearing a Ronaldinho t shirt. Hmmm.......I'd dare to assume that he knew who Ronaldinho is if this was West Bengal, land of Mohun Bagan and East Bengal. Unfortunately Gujaratis aren't particularly inclined towards the sport of football. My guess would be the unavailibility of the fuel that drives football fans the world over....

Anyway, so I'm thinking it could be one of the following three possibilities:

a. The dude was a Bong
b. He was employed by a Bong, or
c. He was Brazilian.

Looks like rain. Hope he also has a matching Ronaldinho raincoat.

just like old times

Well, here we go.....it's been one year, four months and change since I created this blog, but this here is post #1. I used to put up my babble on my now-defunct website vishalvora.com back when I was in college.....some of you may be familiar with my old stuff. Then I repatriated my ass back to the motherland and started working, and so my creative juices were put on the back-burner while I tried to figure out the intricacies of running a business in India. Far cry from the engineering labs at college.

Anyway, time-machining back to the present, I was going through my buddy amit's blog today when I suddenly remembered....waitaminute, what happened to MY blog??? After some amount of password-guessing (if you can't remember your own password, nobody's EVER gonna guess it...heheh) I was allowed back into my account.

So what'll be happening on these pages you ask? Well anything......I'll be writing about stuff that I've seen, heard, consumed, learnt and felt. This should be a good trip.......